I have decided that God loves me – that he cares about my health and well-being and that he wants me to go to Heaven. I am sure that I am supposed to be good and that I am supposed to try to win people to the kingdom and save their immortal souls. Another thing I am sure of is that God doesn’t give a shit about my pocket book, my job, my car, he doesn’t care if a quarterback scores a winning goal, a b-ball player the winning basket, he doesn’t care if you get a good grade on a test. Everyone tries to tell me that God the almighty creator of the universe is concerned about my day to day. WHATEVER! Be patient, hang in there, hold onto your faith, don’t give up when your miracle – breakthrough – met need – healing could be just around the corner, just after the next test, just over the next fucking mountain.
We have been on the verge of losing everything, even were homeless for several days, in limbo and fucking starving for months. I’m tired of using all this energy to believe that some almighty God is worried enough about me that he will provide for me. Maybe if my needs were basic, maybe. God provided the Isrealites with manna and their shoes never wore out – he didn’t pay their mortgages or car payments, he made the same food appear day after day after day after day. He didn’t make sure they had enough money to pay for thier phone bill and go grocery shopping. God does not care if I stay in this house or in a tent.
I believe God will keep me safe, I believe if it came to living in a tent, I would not starve to death but how arrogant of us to believe that God will provide for us in our luxuries. I have become frustrated almost to the point of walking away from God over this bullshit. Then I realized, that while he loves us and wants us to win souls for his kingdom, while he will keep us safe and he will heal our afflictions, while he will make sure we don’t starve to death – NO WHERE does he promise to meet the needs that American people have gluttonously heaped upon themselves.
I hate praying for money. I hate laying my hand on my pocketbook and calling money into it. It feels stupid, it feels arrogant and it feels selfish to be asking God for something that he has given US control over. Yes God is my source. He is my source for peace and for joy and for love but the talents he blessed me with are my source for income. If I have needs over the very basic needs of food, drink, and shelter to preserve my life, then it is up to me to acquire them. God has much bigger stuff to deal with than whether or not I get to keep my nice air conditioned carpeted painted and fenced house. It is a useless and frustrating expenditure of my faith to believe God for that.
Whatever you think you need to respond to this. Please just keep it to yourself. I am pissed off – I am hungry – I am borderline depressed and on the verge of a total loss of faith in just about everything – I can do without the lectures. I know everyone is going through it – I know everything fucking sucks everywhere – but this is my life and my venting session. I am in no mood to be placated.