So, I turn 40 today.
I’ve received so many sweet messages and well wishes and so much love and every single word of those messages is deeply appreciated.
Especially since I’m struggling a little with this one. I’ve never been one to fight the aging process. I loved 16, 18, 21, 25… I didn’t try desperately to hold onto 29. Didn’t freak out at 35, 38… not even 39. But, 40… 40 is sort of doing my head in.
There is a lot of ‘what have I really done with my life’ and ‘what am I going to do with the next 40’ sort of questions banging around in my head.
There is a lot of ‘who the hell am I, really’ and ‘who do I want to be’ and ‘how am I gonna get there’ and ‘how am I just now wondering these things’ and ‘how am I going to get all the things done that I want to do’.
And then there are the ‘where the hell did that crinkle come from’ and ‘when did that wrinkle show up’…. ‘damnit all, my hands look old’ and ‘is that a little gray in my hair’ self-discovery.
Plenty of ‘oh shit do I really have two children over the age of 20’ and ‘is my life really a good testament to the amount of time I’ve been living it’ bouncing around in there too.
A couple of piercings and 3.5 tattoos since turning 35, mermaid hair and artsy fartsy life’s work… and I find myself wondering if these things are very real parts of who I am or just a desperate plea to hold onto some of the youth I feel has slipped through my fingers while I was busy living the life my choices created.
Is this where my midlife crisis starts? Should I start looking for a hot pink corvette convertible and 18 yo pool boy?